What’s all this talk about making a change?
Written June 22, 2022
Last month, I got an email notification from my high school’s listserv advertising an opportunity for alumni who are current undergraduate or graduate students to apply for a $1,000 scholarship. All I had to do was answer a short essay prompt about how I have or want to develop myself in ways that positively impact the world… how easy!
In short, I talked about how my personality traits like being timid and shy often led me to feel like I couldn’t make an impact in the world, especially since impact can often be quantified (which I used examples of Martin Luther King speaking in front of a crowd of over 250,000 people and Neil Armstrong traveling 109 hours to the moon). However, my research experiences, which you can find here (shameless plug), have collectively made me feel like I’m beginning to make an impact in the world.
However, and I’ll be honest, as I near the beginning of my PhD career (70 days to be exact until my first day as a PhD student), I’ve felt more imposter syndrome than I ever have in my life before. I’ve felt it a few times before, primarily when I first started undergrad. Coming from a busy, chaotic city like Chicago and graduating from a high school of mainly underrepresented students and then moving to a “small” town and adjusting to a PWI was overwhelming. I felt imposter syndrome then, but transitioning from undergrad. straight into a PhD program is scarier and far more overwhelming than I thought it would be.
I not only questioned how I was going to survive my doctoral studies, but I also asked myself if I was even going to do anything that would be useful to the world.
In a previous lab meeting, we had a discussion surrounding The University and the Undercommons: Seven Theses by Fred Moten and Stefano Harney, a few weeks before receiving my acceptance letter to UMSI. The article covered how institutions like the university impact how we empathize with others, how we learn, and how we love. It made me question who I was as an academic and if what I’ve done as an undergraduate and what I’d do as a doctoral student would affect others. Are the papers I produce and publish potentially perpetuating harm? Is my knowledge actually beneficial to others? Am I actually making a change?
As I still work on coming to terms and ridding of my imposter syndrome as an incoming PhD student, I’m pervaded with the question of if I’m making a change, but not just any change, an (objectively) useful and positive change by challenging and exposing the technologies we constantly use and how we use them, especially amongst those often marginalized and underrepresented.
So, what’s all this talk about making a change? Am I fulfilling society’s idea of making a change? Am I fulfilling my own idea of it? Perhaps I’ll have a better answer in a few years.